You can't give what you don't have

It’s about treating yourself with love and care first, only then are you able to treat others with love and care. This hits me hard as a new parent.

I thought I knew how to do it. I was there with my kids, but I also wasn’t there. I was merely doing it because the books said that’s how it’s done. However, it turns out I was never doing it. I thought my actions was love and care, but it wasn’t. It was clear from how my kids reacted.

It troubled and tortured me because I wanted to be a good parent. That was when I realized that I had trauma that was neglected and suppressed for so long that they’re part of me. I had to overcome that hurdle to become a better parent. I had to face my own demons.

I was born in Taiwan, but grew up in Thailand. My parents wanted us to have better education, so they took us abroad so we could have international education. It was both a blessing and a curse. It showed me the world and gave me experience I otherwise would not have in Taiwan.

However, the financial pressure my parents had to endure also impacted our family. My parents worked hard to provide for us, but they weren’t great at communicating with love. It was a frustrating experience as a young kid, but I learned to understand and appreciate the sacrifice they made as I grew and became a parent. We’re all just doing our best with what we got.

In the book, The Self-Driven Child, the authors suggested parents to make enjoying their kids their top priority. If you can’t, do everything to figure out why and fix it. For me, it was unresolved anger from my childhood. It took time and was painful, but it greatly improved my relationship with my kids and even with my wife.

My parents gave us all they got and I can finally say I’m proud and lucky to have them. It was a difficult journey, but an important one for growth. To treat my kids with love and care, I had to first pour out all the anger and fill it with love and care. Through this, I learned how to love and to care for myself and subsequently to the people around me.